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New York, I know exactly how you feel. I have lived and worked with the same situation for more than thirty years. All I ever want was the approval from one person, and why it was so important that I have that approval I am still confused over. But the anger and hurt are being to affect my health, I hate (and I mean hate) going to work and having to deal with that person.The saddest of all of this to me is that I have prayed for over twenty-six year that God would save this person and every time I can see change and hope for some reason a person comes along in their life and pulls them backwards. At least it seems that way to me. A friend in the Stephens Ministy at my church told me one day that I had to accept that person and love them, forgive them and realize that they may never change because they have a "choice" and even if they got saved it might not ever change. I know that sounds defeating, but if you hear the truth it can be liberating. I am not responsible for seeing them to salvation, only to love them, and understand that they have to be miserable inside to be that mean on the outside. That is why I have to attempt everyday to forgive them or my anger and hurt are going to disabilitate me from being all that God wants and has planned for me to be. I am praying for you.

A couple of years ago, I ended my 16 year marriage to a roller coaster alcoholic. After the divorce, he faked a suicide over the cell phone. The worst part of it was that he made the phone call twice, once to our son and the other to me. Both times, he shot the gun and left us wondering for hours if he was dead. He threatened my life numerous times and tried suicide a second time in which he was revived at the hospitol. After many months of no communication due to a restraining order, I set up a meeting with my pastor and my ex. I did this in order to ask for forgiveness and to give my forgiveness for all he put us through. He refused....It has been 4 years since then, he is slowly forgiving me, but he has evil thoughts of hurting people that are close to me each time he gets drunk. I pray that God will show him the way to salvation and I'm asking if you would pray for him as well.

Back in 1968 at the age of 22, I became a divorced mom with a 2 & 3 year old. My exhusband had an affair and soon after our divorce he married this woman with the same first name as mine.
In 1988 his mother passed away. I was very close to her and loved her like my own mother. I had become a born again beliver just two years before that and so I was not surprised when I felt the Lords nudging to send not only a sympathy card,but a note telling them that I forgive them for what happened and to ask them to forgive me for my part in the breakup of our marriage. I was not surprised, but I was hesitant to ask them to forgive me! What did I do! Then the Lord reminded me that just as it takes two to build a marriage, it also takes two to tear it apart. So, anyway I sent the letter.
Much to my surprise, Becky sent me a card back and thanked me for forgiving them and that she couldn't think of any reason they needed to forgive me but if it made me feel better they forgave me too! It did make me feel better because I knew God was right and I had done my share of hurting and destroying.
At some point Becky and I started exchanging little cards and letters and a few years later she came down from Ohio with Dan to visit OUR children. I had a new relationship with her and Dan I hadn't had in the past. I loved them both with the agape love God had given me for them! Today I see her as Dan's wife and the other mother of my children.
If someone had told me forty years ago that I would have this relationship with Becky and Dan, I would have laughed.
All things do work for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose!
Oh, yes through my sons witnessing, his dad and other mother are now believers!
At first I forgave because the Lord told me to. I can honestly say I didn't feel like it. But now I really do feel it. Just obey and let God do the rest!

What do you do when the person who offended you doesn't think that they did anything wrong? The person that offended me was a neighbor who moved next door. Over time, our children started playing together and I started noticing that the parent wasn't concerned what their child was doing outside. He was always ringing my door bell daily and coming over uninvited. Then I started noticing that the child was demonstrating some behaviors that I didn't want my children to pick up. I started to get to know the parent, I realized that they were people that didn't share the same morals and values. I continued to be nice but after a while of the parent cursing in front of my children and acting just as bad as the child, I put a stop to any type of friendship. I confronted the mother and told her that I didn't thing that it was a good idea for our children to play with an explanation of why. This person has done some other offenses but I won't go into it. The mother turned the whole thing around and acted as though she was a victim. This caused me to have feelings of anger and resentment towards this person. I have asked God to help me to forgive her. But when the person doesn't take responsibility for their actions after confronting them and they have never apologized, it's hard to feel forgiveness. I have a hard time of feeling love towards them too. I have come to a place where I no longer feel anger or resentment, but I still do not want any communication with these people as they have not changed. Have I truly forgiven them when I still do not like them? How do I get to a place where I can feel peace in my heart and not allow them to effect me when I see them? How do I truly forgive?

With forgiveness, I'm reminded of the Lord's Prayer. "Forgive us as we forgive". We are always in need of God's forgiveness and is given as we give it. Having memory is a blessing. When we recall a painful events of past hurts, I believe God allows us to remember why we forgave. Not that we haven't.

God Love You

Response to
LavenderRose | February 18, 2008 12:06 AM
Dear LavenderRose
I hope you get this...

The Bible is the only truth and it says in

John 14:15&16~
"If you love me, obey me; and I will ask the Father and he will give you another Comforter, and he will NEVER leave you.
Living Bible

same verse NIV translation
John 14:15&16~
"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to with you FOREVER-

The Holy Spirit will NOT leave us once we have received Jesus into our hearts. It is true that we can grieve the Holy Spirit and prevent him from being active in our lives...

2 Corinthians 1:22 says He "set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."

Luke 11:13
If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!

and about forgiving yourself, keep doing it with your mouth, "I forgive myself" and keep praying for God to help you get it into your heart...and He will. It is a process of healing.

I am praying for you sweet sister.

I misread the "Posted by:" and responded to novalee garcia when I intended to respond to Posted by: LavenderRose | February 18, 2008 12:06 AM

Response to Novalee Garcia

Dear Novalee,
I hope you get this...

The Bible is the only truth and it says in

John 14:15&16~
"If you love me, obey me; and I will ask the Father and he will give you another Comforter, and he will NEVER leave you.
Living Bible

same verse NIV translation
John 14:15&16~
"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to with you FOREVER-

The Holy Spirit will NOT leave us once we have received Jesus into our hearts. It is true that we can grieve the Holy Spirit and prevent him from being active in our lives...

2 Corinthians 1:22 says He "set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come."

Luke 11:13
If you then, evil as you are, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask and continue to ask Him!

and about forgiving yourself, keep doing it with your mouth, "I forgive myself" and keep praying for God to help you get it into your heart...and He will. It is a process of healing.

I am praying for you sweet sister.

I am still confused, how do you know when you have truly forgiven someone and what is forgiveness? I thought I had forgiven, till I got upset at just the thought of having to see them again, so how do you know?

How to fo you forgive.. when it keeps coming back to your mind? I want to have a good relationship with my dad.I respond in anger to him most of the time.
I am 11 years old my- mom is helping me write.My dad and I need help getting along. My dad has came a long way in his recovery. He trys to change then gets pulled back into his old habits.

Question: Still confused about forgiving. In my past I have done things that have hurt loved ones, asking for their forgiveness is it like forgiving. As I now I just pray and leave it to God because some of the loved ones are not in my life now because of change, do i just let it be? Confused?

My mom was murdered when I was 10 and it was my stepfather who took her life. My parents divorced when I was 3. My biological father lived 30 minutes away, but never bacame a part of my life. For a long time, I felt so lost and rejected. Being in this bible study has really helped me to finally realize that God has used this to make me the person I am today. My mother was a christian and instilled some very important christian values in me at a very young age. I love her so much for that, and have always tried to follow her example. Our God is truly an awesome God, we just have to have faith and know that whatever he puts us through, it is indeed for his Glory. Thank you Pastor Kerry and Chris, you are really making a difference in people's lives, today and for generations to come.

Forgiveness can be learned by events we never imagined could ever happen to us. When my now 39 year old son was 19, he had a horrific car accident. He wasn't speeding or drinking or doing anything but driving to go pick up a his girlfriend to go Christmas shopping. He lost control of his car, hit an elderly man head on and the elderly man died on impact. My son, who was severly hurt, lived.
I prayed both for my son to heal, and for that elderly man and his family. My heart was so heavy and I, being his mother, shared his feelings of guilt. I stayed with my son day and night through the worst of his pain and anguish, and when I left his side for a moment to get something to drink, I returned to hear a nurse...an angel I am sure...who sat by my son's side rubbing his head and softly telling him that God forgave him for this accident...and that was all it was...an accident.
It was the first time in my life, that I actually realized what forgiveness is. I realized that no matter what happens in our lives, there is always the ability to forgive. It opened my heart to being a much more forgiving person. I realized that my dear sweet son,who is such a good person, whom I love with all of my heart, had accidently hurt someone, and that God forgave him. I knew that no matter what happened in life, no matter who hurt me or my family, I knew that I would be able to forgive them, because good people have accidents and God forgives them.

Hi,
to me forgiveness came hard. when I was a young girl people never like me.I could never understood why. I would say it was cause I went to church all the time.I was the only child of seven that went to chruch.kids would hit me call me all types of names but I never did anythink to them or fight back. I would think of Jesus and keep running. it took me years to forgive those kids.then I married an abuser had four kids. it took me many years to forgive them all but now that I have I feel free and I just thank God for helping me see that hate makes me hate myself. im happier now and even though my x hates me I told him I forgive him for the pass and I forgive myself for letting this happen. we have to take a stand for ourself! so please dont hate because it hurts you the most. I just hope I stll have more then a month to live life! thanks for writting this book its what we need!

As I was reading the section of love completely, i realized that in order to love completely i must forgive quickly.. love and forgiveness go hand in hand..true love calls for forgiveness everyday..The scripture love covers a multitude of sins" this is so freeing and I get it yipee yahooie! thanks pastor Kerry and Chris your awesome.. Living Gratefully Maritza Fletcher

Kerry,
Many times I have heard you say that God does not cause "painful changes in our lives but uses them and wants to bring good out of them".(See your book pg 138). On page 100 you state " God intentionally places some people in our lives to rub us the wrong way, to smooth the rough edges of our character, so that we are more like Jesus." This seems like a contradiction. I have believed and still believe that God does both. I guess it really does not matter how those painful changes occur as long as we respond in the correct way. I have things happen in my life that I am convinced that God did more than just allow as it appeared to be a result of sin that I had been unwilling to let go of and God disciplined me in the same way I disciplined my children to change bad behavior. Other things have happened that I can't say whether God just allowed it or God ordained it. For instance, I was stricken by cancer. The cause is unknown. But the result has been a tranformation in my life in that I have been given a "passion for compassion" when it comes to people stricken with cancer. Obviously God has used this to uncover a compassion that I had hidden away many years ago to cope with all the pain and grief I saw in other people's live as a police officer. That was not the correct response then and I believe it took cancer to bring back my compassion for other people. Just like God sent plagues to change the Pharoah's mind, I think God sends discipline (trouble) to get a correct response from us. Other times, he just allows it. Either way, I have made changes whether he caused it or he just allowed it. Perhaps what I see as God causing is just simply the consequences of sin, at least in some cases. But what about the cancer I developed. Nothing I did caused it or is the consequence of anything I did. It may have been the consequence of others actions such as second hand smoke since I had a smokers cancer but I never smoked. I was around a lot people that did including growing up with parents and many relatives that did. So did God just allow that? I don't know but I do know the outcome has been positive not negative. So where am I wrong in this thinking?

It took me twenty plus years to forgive someone who changed my life and not in a good way. I held the bitterness in my heart for all this time and decided that I could not handle it anymore and ask for God's help. After I forgave this person I felt all that bitterness leave my heart. Then a few years later I was devistated again and my heart was broken and again I asked for God's help. This time it took me ten years to be able to forgive, but in this case I am able to still be friends with this person. An now most recently I was hurt once again but because I've been to listen to Pastor Kerry it did not take me very long to forgive this person for all the hurt they caused me. Now that I have God and Pastor Kerry on my team I'm a much happier person and truly believe God will bring the person he has chosen to be my partner in life to me. Bless you Kerry and Chris Shook. But most of all THANK YOU GOD!

I have to say, I have forgiven someone over and over and over and over and over and over, and he came back to hurt me over and over and over and over and over again. Now, I am not sure if I can forgive this person anymore, Sometimes, I wish I stay angry, so he will stay away from me. He has put doubts in my head. I don't think I can forgive anymore. It really is easier said than done. No one know the pain this person has caused, yet he is living a life, that he wants, with no regrets.

I have had so much to forgive in my lifetime, but with forgivness you get real freedom. The harsh reality is that we live in a sick world with sick people who brainwash, exploit and victimize children. I had to forgive more than one perpetrator in my younger years, and than revictimized by a family member to cover it all up, and then victimized again in Junior High by someones elses selfish, evil lust. Feeling hurt and betrayed had become a big part of my very young life, the ugly truth always swept under the rug. I forgave the family member that did the "sweeping" and "the cover-up". Fortunatly I had wonderful parants, so when I finally came forth, they loved, supported, and backed me up on all my decisions of what to do with my situation. They never knew the pain I was in because I coul cover it so well. As wonderful as my folks were, they were not flawless and so I had to forgive my father for temporarley abandoning our family until he came to his senses. I also had to forgive nermourous classmates, family members, and neighbors for their acts of predjudice against my family and I. I come from a multi cultured family, and was rased in a pretty predjudice small town. In Junior High I was raped by some High School boys. By this time I was shut down inside, numb, I was like two people living in one body. Happy on the outside, miserable on the inside. By the time this happend, I was so "done" with abuse, that I just blocked it all out, pretended it never happend, numb inside and out. When I grew up and foud Jesus, I started learnig about forgivness. I had to get busy, had alot of people to forgive. I had to find a way out of my misery. I was bound and imprisoned by my own hurtful, negative outlook on life and all the emotions that go with them, even though they were justified and I needed to be set free. Alot of my perpetrators had already passed away, some I never heard from again, couldn't find them if I had too. At the sugesstion of a counsoler, I wrote them each a letter, forgiving them, and to forgive me for the bitterness I had harbored for them, ALL OF THEM! I no longer felt like two people in one body, my life came together, and the blessing (yes, I said blessing) is I became a much beter mother, more protective, more compassionate towards others, and very empathetic. I talked to my girls openly about everything, and they learned that it just doesn't happen to someone else. It is in your very own backyard. I learned about grace, I learned about freedom. I learned about mercy, and I learned best of all, how to love, and to love with my whole heart. I don't want pity, I don't want sympathy, and I don't want others to treat me any diffrent than anyone else. I am a very blessed woman. God heals hearts that are able to forgive and ask for help. Once you learn forgivness, you learn to live!

I have two stories of forgiveness. One with a happy ending and another.... well lets just say it is not happy.

For years I hated my father. He was an abusive alcoholic, and shortly after my parents divorce, a drug abuser as well. At such a young age I was unable to come to grips with the gravity of my parents and it was easier to blame someone. That blame turned to dislike, and dislike into hate. I never realized that what my father needed was someone to support him and trust in him. I forgave him in a really odd way. I woke up one morning and decided it was over. The harsh feelings and the so-called hate were over. I called my recovered father and apologized for my selfishness. He quickly told me there was no reason to apologize. I am proud to say that this year I had Christmas with my father for the first time in over 10 years.

This is more of a display of perseverance. I no longer have a healthy relationship with my mother. In fact, it passed shambles on its way to hell a long time ago. I was sooo mad at her for the hurtful things she said about my fiancé, that we did not talk for months. One day on my way to work I had somewhat of an epiphany. I realized that life was too short for conflict and that I loved my mom. Well unfortunately again she still had nothing nice to say and refused to apologize. In the Bible, Jesus says to Joseph, "Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times." I had the same philosophy with my mom. I extended my hand to her three times, and all three times she denied me. I know in my heart I have forgiven her. That really all that matters right?

i have been hurt by rick my dad for leaving my side for almost 7 seven yrs.he never calls or visits. many times i want to cuss him out for not being apart of my life. i cant change him. i have forgive him for the actions he shows twards me. i forgive him for not being the father thathe cant be to me. i love the song your are my king. cuz god is my king. weather i like it or not. i forgive you rick my dad for leaving me being. i leave you with you. everytime i feel that hurt in my mind i forgive you and may god bless you. and may god light shine upon you.

I find it hardest to forgive myself. I have forgiven others very quickly, but there are a few things I have done, even after I became a born-again Christian, that I cannot forgive myself for. And when Pastor Kerry was talking about the Holy Spirit being in us, yet if we ignore Him enough, he will leave us, I became so sad and confused. I still have hope that the Holy Spirit is within me and the only forgiveness I need is from myself. If I thought He had left me, what would be the point of living? But Kerry also said if we felt convicted, that meant the Holy Spirit was still within us, so He hasn't given up on me yet, right?

There is a statement I heard ( Forgiveness doesn't make the other person right it just sets you free ) this has liberated me... Forgiveness doesnt mean the other person is right!!!! You are just free!!!!!!

Someone once said that when you forgive over wrongs and hurts, you are never more like Jesus in that moment. Most powerful act a human can make. With powerful results for at least the forgiven, and almost always the forgiven.
I didn't say it was easy. It never has been for me. But when I forgive that person, I am unshackled from the burden and from the road block to the joy and blessings that God has stored up for me. You are truly blessed when you forgive. Unmistakeably. And it makes you a stronger person, somehow.

Day 1 - Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is myself.
A good friend pointed out to me last night, that the guilt that lingers after we ask for God's forgiveness is simply Satan's attempt to keep us from moving forward.
While I know that each new day brings a new opportunity to forgive myself of the regrets I have, I still struggle with how to let go of the guilt. I can only have hope and faith that this 30 day challenge will reveal to me the answers I seek to the struggles I am currently experiencing. Furthermore, I can only hope that somewhere at the end of this challenge God has something outstanding and life altering to reveal to me.
I thank God every day for the blessings I am only beginning to receive in the presentation of His words by Chris and Kerry. Thank you for being steadfast in your faith and compassion and headstrong in your honor and love.
You have already changed my life and that of my children forever.
With Love,
The hopeful but struggling leader of two young blessings

Forgiveness

One of my goals as a host of the one month to live challenge was to extend the act of forgiveness out to family members in need. I grew up in a family that was extremely close and found my parents gave us everything we needed including a love that was hard to match. Since I have moved to Texas over 10 years ago, a few things have changed in our family. Through various pain, crisis and life threatening events, our original bond has been challenged a little. It would only take a single act of forgiveness to bring this bond back to life. I have extended my entire family a copy of the book One Month to Live. I hope that they are able to read the book and live through me and through God throughout this challenge. If there was one prayer to be answered out of this program's passionate way of life it would be to bring back the relationship we all had together and to reflect on the amazing times and strong love we share as a family rather than wait and find out someday that another 30 days has passed and one of our family members is no longer here to extend forgiveness to. One positive outcome of the many mountains we have made it past as a family is my parents are still married and deeply in love. With everything they have been through, It's hard to imagine that 40 years have gone by and they both can still wake up most days together laughing and smiling. Each day with my wife and children, I try hard to give and love the same way my parents did for me.

I believe that the act of forgiving is the most liberating act we can do as humans. Somebody else made the decision to "hurt" us, but we have the power to forgive. Nobody can do it for us, decide when or how we do it, and nobody can take it away from us. Talk about true power!

I've done all I can:wrote letter using 5Languages of Forgiveness(Gary Chapman)I forgive the unforgiveness(I have no idea what I did)of others. The distancing by family is still painful; mentally takes an almost daily toll.
More practically, I would love to have an accountability partner to exercise at home with,in person or over the Internet.

now all i can say i can forgive in my heart but i can not go up to that person and say i forgive you face to face. because i choose not to be around them because they cause so much pain.

I was reading Pastor Kerry's blog and right away I thought of my relationship with my father. You see my biological father has never really been a part of my life. Save a few years when I was too young to remember anything and when I started getting into trouble he was given a chance to come back into my life by my mother at the age of 16 which on his part was a hugely wasted opportunity to make ammends and develop a relationship with me and my brother. During most of my teen years and into my early adulthood I was a very angery person but I couldn't figure out why, until I started going to counseling and became a member of this church. My wife and I had been married for about 6 months when the anger problems I had started to make my marriage unpleasant for both of us and threated a separation if I did get ahold of it. So with God's guideance and ushering I figured out that the anger was caused by my father and my subconcious thought that he had abandon me and by brother. Once I realized that, a huge relief came over me and I knew what had to be done. So to make an already long story short I had lunch with my father and forgave him. All the anger disipated that moment and there was no bitterness any longer. So for my sake I forgave and I was released from the bondage of the anger that had caused me so much pain for so long. Although I did forgive and extended another opportunity to build a relatonship with my father he has decided not to engage and I am at peace with that because like it says in the blog maybe all my real Father in heaven wanted me to do was forgive for my sake and maybe it wasn't in his will for the relationship to be built again.

I think the hardest thing to do is to keep forgiving someone who has hurt you over and over and over again but is still in your life because they are family. For example someone who is verbally, mentally and emotionally exploitive and abusive.

What if you have asked for forgiveness and a request has been made that you are VERY specific on all of your wrongdoings? What if they want you to "make a list" and explain what you did wrong, why you were wrong and how you promise to not do that again. The God that I know just asks that we forgive others which I have done and ask for forgiveness which I have done. Does God want us to make a list? If God did want us to make a list, would he read that list and hold it against you? I don't think that God asks that of us so why would our family? I know that we are all human and none of us are perfect but I am not sure why I would want to do this. Much of the problems that happened were due to a deep depression that I was/had been for a long time going through and it took me forgiving them and letting God take over for my depression to go away. Is that not what God wants?

have a story to share and how it continues to hurt be after I continue to forgive

To truly forgive someone it actually means you have to acknowledge that they hurt you. Sometimes the mere thought of admitting pain is more than some can deal with. Feelings of anger are usually much easier to deal with then the pain of being wronged, betrayed or hurt. Forgiveness is the ultimate control over your own feelings. If you chose to forgive then your heart is set free.